I haven’t been writing much lately, so I’ve decided to challenge myself and write 40 blogs in 40 days. Here goes:-

1st March

Since Martha died I have strived, I’ve searched, I’ve examined the tiniest particles to gauge what this all means and to try to work out where I now fit into this world. My label is blank, the stark whiteness strains my eyes so I cast them elsewhere as I try to find the answers that lurk in the shadows. I sit cosily with the answers and they ignore me, ‘I’m ready’ I shout, ‘tell me what I need to know’ - silence envelopes me. I feel stuck and frustrated - as I want to know my new label, who am I now?

I then found this in a book (Worpswede, July 16, 1902 - Letters to a Young Poet) and something shifted inside me:-

Live the Questions
I want to ask you, as clearly as I can, to bear with patience all that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were rooms yet to enter or books written in a foreign language. Don’t dig for answers that can’t be given you yet: you cannot live them now. For everything must be lived. Live the questions now, perhaps then, someday, you will gradually without noticing, live into the answers.

Through the pain and by living beyond my worst fear happening, I feel as though I’m tuned into a different frequency, I know that my search is about connecting with others who are also in tune with me, others who strive to turn down the volume on the interference and to cut through it for these tiny moments of clarity. Others who will at times struggle for the answers, but in fact, need to live the questions.  

My label may not be what it used to be, a label I loved so very much - mum of one (rather than mum of none). But while I have my life, I choose to carve my new label in stone simply with the word ALIVE.

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